Just the other day I overheard a conversation with two young women talking about a recent engagement and plans for the future. She was talking about all of these wedding details and what she would like to see happen, but would always shrug her shoulders and throw in some “if's.” There was hesitation in her words, and so the friend called her out on it. She looked surprised when she asked her, but once she realized she was serious she opened up about her fears of getting married. Besides the growing rate of divorces constantly blaring in her head, she has a parent on their 4th marriage.
Without sharing too much about her personal life, the bottom line is that she was afraid she was destined for the same future. Now this is usually when everyone tells you “no you're better than that” or “you're not them!” But the truth is, it doesn't matter. Because no matter the equation, if you throw fear into it, you risk setting yourself up for failure. Well that seems a little harsh doesn't it? Well, let's talk about fear. Fear is one of the most powerful tools of motivation on the planet. We can somehow prevent it, or fall right into it.
For example, a common fear is having your home burglarized. So what do we do? We set up cameras, security systems, and own 3 Pinscher Dobermans just to be safe. But one day you come home to find your house completely emptied and your dogs chewing on some Wish Bone treats. Now maybe that's you and maybe it is not. But, we all try to prevent and stay away from our deepest fears. So the question is, can our paranoia cause our fears to become reality? Could our paralyzing fear of a failed marriage actually cause us to get a divorce? I say yes and I will tell you why.
For one, fear has been made a taboo subject by many in society because it is considered embarrassing or weakening. Men won't show it, women can't hide it, and kids won't stop talking about it. Instead we take our fears and lock it in the darkest dungeon of our minds hoping it will never see the light of day. But what happens if we don't do that. What would happen if we were just open about our fears?
You mean, talk about my feelings? Yes. Open up those flood gates.
What is that saying? Communication is key? I'm sure we have all heard that before and are probably sick and tired of hearing it. But unfortunately, it's the truth. If you hold in all of your feelings, you are setting yourself up for future problems. When you have an open line of communication you are constantly building trust. No you don't have to say every little thing on your mind, and please don't. But something that affects your spouse should be brought to their attention. Don't forget that you two are partners in this life. You have promised to have each others' backs and love one another no matter what. When you don't share what is bothering you, you cause tension and distrust and unintentionally YOU push them away. And the farther they feel from you, the farther they are going to want to become. And then boom, you're handed divorce papers. So what's the big deal about sharing your feelings?
But what if he..... What? Divorces you?
All joking aside, I have never heard that to be a reason for a divorce. Let me ask. Why did you marry them in the first place? I guarantee it wasn't because they have always wanted to get a divorce. You trusted them then to care for you physically, mentally, and emotionally. And because they successfully did that, you trusted them to continue that into your future together. So let them do that. Tell them your nightmare and let them love you. Have faith that they will do exactly what they promised. And if you're the spouse who is on the other end of this fear, please be patient. The best thing you can do is love them and remember that they don't choose their fears.