Intimacy in marriage

October 18, 2018 /
intimacy in marriageThere are several important pieces to the puzzle of marriage that either make it successful or on the fritz. One such critical piece that is rarely discussed is the intimate or sexual relationship between the two people in the marriage. Let’s be honest- sex is important in a marriage. It allows two people to express their love in a way that only the two of them share, and creates an unbreakable bond.


Lack of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship in marriage could make two people who used to be in love feel like they are merely roommates who are disconnected. There are many reasons that the sexual relationship in a marriage takes a backseat to other priorities – tiring work schedules, focusing attention on kids rather than on each other, and sex can become boring over time as it becomes more routine. Additionally, as we get older, our bodies change. Men tend to be more self-conscious about their erections, while women tend to be more self-conscious about their bodies. This feeling of inadequacy and comparison to a more youthful state make some people less desiring to have sex because they feel they are not as sexy as they once were.

Usually the issue lies in the sexual desires of the two partners in a marriage. There is typically a partner with a lower sex drive, and a partner with a higher sex drive. The key to making this work is when the two partners meet somewhere in the middle, while still maintaining empathy and respect for the other. There are some things that couples can do to make their sex life more compatible as well as more intimate.

  1. Instead of saying “no” to sex, offer an alternative.

    It is okay to say “no” if you are not in the mood, and no partner should feel bad for saying “no.” Just saying “no,” however, closes the conversation for good. Rather than doing this, you could say: “No, I am not in the mood right now, but after dinner I will feel better and we can cuddle on the couch then.” This is, of course, an example, but keeping the conversation open shows that you are receptive to trying again later.

  2. Become adventurous in bed.

    Having sex can become mundane if you always know what to expect. There are several ways to become adventurous, and it doesn’t even necessarily mean getting crazy. If you know you go crazy when your partner rubs your back, ask him to do that (maybe even with some essential oils or lotion), and go from there. Do you go crazy when your wife is wearing lingerie? Go pick some out together and ask her to wear it for you. This doubles as a turn on for you, while making her feel sexy as well. Do you always have sex in the bedroom? Try switching things up and going to the couch in the living room, the shower, even the guest bedroom. Even a change of scenery may make things more exciting. These are just some ideas of how to break the same old boring habit.

  3. Take a weekend trip.

    Sometimes taking a trip together can remind couples of why they fell in love in the first place. Getting away from the stresses and responsibilities of everyday life can be relaxing, and with the relaxation, intimacy may follow. It may be nice for you and your partner to have some alone time, just the two of you, in a new place that the two of you can explore together. This can create a new bond, and possibly even be the start of a better intimate relationship.

  4. Little romance.

    It’s the little things that count. The simple romantic gestures, such as buying your wife flowers, kissing your husband hello when he gets home from work, and holding hands in the car ride to the grocery store, all go a long way to making a relationship feel more intimate. These actions show your partner you want to be close to them, which can lead to more intimacy in other ways as well.

    While this list is not inclusive, it provides a good start in getting your sexual relationship back on track. Sex in marriage may be complex, but it is something worth addressing and working on. A sexually successful marriage leads to a successful marriage in other ways, but that is a conversation for a different day.


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Dana and Don

Divorce Mediatiors and Marriage Experts


Divorce Mediators, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, Divorce Coach, Divorce Preparation, Marriage Experts


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